Agression: fighting an biting

“Minnie was stiff and looked away. But as Mrs. Thompson talked, Minnie began to listen. “Minnie, I know you’re sorry and maybe the child you pushed knows it, too. But you’ve got to get yourself ready to say you’re sorry to her. And only when you van really mean it.”Then Minnie looked at Mrs. Thompson anxiously and blurted out, “I am sorry.” And she was.
Mrs. Thompson’s comfort to the aggressor offered Minnie a chance to feel sorry in safety – instead of being overwhelmed by her loss of control. When a child is overwhelmed , she must defend herself – by being unresponsive to the other child and to herself. Mrs. Thompson’s approach allowed Minnie to face her own fear of losing control and to feel sorry about consequences of her acts. She can apologize, and she sees that it helps.
Even as she was shoving the other child so hard that she fell. Minnie’s awareness of her own role was evident in her eyes and her face. Was she sorry? Of course. But she needed time to recognise it. Her fear of losing control pushed her into even more relentless activity. Minnie needed comfort as much as the child she had attacked. The comfort shouldn’t be an acceptance of what she’s done. The purpose is to reassure Minnie that she is no longer out of control and to give her hope. Great care must be taken to encourage her – not, of course, to repeat what she’s done, but to believe that she will learn to control herself.
A child who is repeatedly left alone at such times is at risk of feeling that she is indeed bad, and of acting on it. A caregiver’s question must be: Is the child ready to handle her own guilty reactions? Or will she have to turn away from this experience to protect herself? The child needs to be aware of her actions and their consequences, but if she’s overwhelmed, she will not learn. Instead she will be forced to protect herself against the pain of feeling guilty and frightened by deciding that she really is “bad”. The goal is to help her recognise her guilty feeling and her power to stop herself. In the meantime, she will need help in holding on to hope that she can succeed.”
(pg. 39)

“The current dispute over strictness versus permissiveness misses the point. A child needs limits and nurturance; neither one alone is sufficient for a child to grow. At three a child may not be ready to take in, to remember, and to know when to expect the limits. She may need reminders from one time to the next. Little by little, a parent’s patient repetition will help her to take them in, and make them their own.” (pg.41)

Discipline
“Discipline means teaching. It is not the same as punishment and shouldn’t be confused with it. (pg. 41)

to be continued….